I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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