found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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