all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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