I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
