You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
