Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
