my phone needs a breathalizer
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
