I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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