I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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