Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
