we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He shit in the fireplace
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
