I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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