New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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