You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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