Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
