I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Be still, my beating vagina.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
