You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
