My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
