Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
