take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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