Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
