hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
