someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
