Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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