Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
