Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
