I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
