Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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