Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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