ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
