What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dear god my vagina.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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