his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
