Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
