We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
