Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
