captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
