Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
