and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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