i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
