why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
