I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
