4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do vagina's smell?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
