I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
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WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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