i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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