You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
