You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
