i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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