Your dad touched me again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
