yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
