If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
