Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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