aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
