Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Houston, we have a squirter
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
