fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
