I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
