Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
