I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
