You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
