my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
