Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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