he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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