Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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