and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
